He kept catching me. Catching me in one of those moments when I can’t quite explain why I’m crying, but the tears won’t stop flowing.
Even in my best attempts to sneak in a breakdown while he was away, he still kept catching me.
Whether through a random facetime or call, he could see or feel that something was wrong. So there he was doing his damndest to encourage me.
It was really kinda beautiful watching him lead me in praise and worship from his car. He was singing off key and adlibbing words of encouragement in between the melody. And it was by far the most beautiful thing I’ve witnessed in a while. It was exactly what I needed to push through a day that felt “off” in every sense of the word.
Maybe you know the type of day I’m referring to. The kind where you just wake up with racing thoughts of every imperfection in your life, everything you wish you could do differently but can’t.
You can’t quite explain the problem because it’s not one thing, but rather, ALL the things.
Fear is winning. It’s getting the best of you…creating this list of worst case scenarios that freak you out more than any horror movie ever could. It’s the kind where you think you’re hiding your tone but inadvertently realize you’re not because your mom thinks your uninterested in talking to her when it’s really not about her at all. You need to hear her calming voice but you can’t find the words to keep the conversation going without dumping all of your frustrations and fears on her so you’re more quiet than usual. You’re quite because you know that she has her own frustrations and fears. You feel this obligation not to stack your problems on top of hers because she’s carried you long enough.
Yea, it was that kind of day.
But maybe you wouldn’t understand what I mean. To you, I’m living my dreams. My problems are nonexistent and life is great.
Deep inside, I’m still human though. I ebb and flow through life just like you. And even on days when I’m giving you my best encouragement to push through the obstacles that life may throw at you, I’m using it as an opportunity to speak inwardly.
Me with my nice hair, even skin, poppin trips, bomb wardrobe, and plush job… I’m still struggling through what it means to be purposeful, to ignore the perceptions that eat away at me, to give up on trying to prove that I’m good enough.
I’m still dismantling and unpacking hurts from the past, learning self-acceptance, and fighting the urge to quit on days when nothing seems to be going right.
You may think I’m living my best life, but the truth is that I’m still on the struggle bus. And you’re still on the struggle bus too. But we gone struggle together until we’re alright.
I keep going and elevating to be hope for you. Keep going so you can be hope for me too.